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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 17, 2008 12:17:32 GMT -5
Pearly Gates
A man appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. "Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St.Peter asked. "Well, I can think of one thing," the man offered. "On a trip to the Black Hills of South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen. So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off, or I'll kick the nuts out of all of you!" St. Peter was impressed .. "When did this happen?" "Couple of minutes ago."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 18, 2008 14:53:12 GMT -5
Purina Diet
Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena, my wonder dog at Wal-Mart and was in the check out line. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm retired, with little to do, on impulse, I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. I probably shouldn't, I continued, because I'd ended up in the hospital last time. I awoke in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. However, I did lose 40 pounds on the diet, so I was giving it another go.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is you load your pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete and I needed to lose a few more pounds. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was, by now, enthralled with my story.) Horrified, this woman asked if I ended up in intensive care because I'd been poisoned by the dog food. I told her no, it happened because I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit both of us. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard! WAL-MART won't let me shop there anymore.
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 19, 2008 15:00:34 GMT -5
BAd little Girl
Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner. Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her mother what she wanted.
"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Now, Little Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.
Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behavior over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God: I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God: This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God: I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Carol
Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset.
She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if anyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I GOT YOUR MAMA. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW Who
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 24, 2008 12:23:21 GMT -5
LIFE SPANS
God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone that comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of 20 years." The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I'll give you back the other 10?" God agreed. On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a 20-year life span." The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for 20 years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 like the dog did?" God agreed. On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of 60 years." The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I'll give back the other 40?" God agreed again. On the fourth day, God created man and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you 20 years." But man said, "Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?" "Okay," said God, "You asked for it." So, that's why, for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next 10 years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
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Post by Rick on Mar 25, 2008 7:32:15 GMT -5
The letter R....
There was a priest who was greatly loved by all of his followers, a man who led with gentleness, faith and wisdom. His passing was grieved by the entire world, Catholic or not.
As the priest approached the gates of heaven, it was Saint Peter who greeted him in a firm embrace:
"Welcome your holiness, your dedication and unselfishness in serving your fellow man during your entire life has earned you great stature in heaven. You may pass through the gates without delay and are granted free access to all parts of heaven."
"You are also granted an open door policy and may at your own discretion meet with any heavenly leader, including the Father without prior appointment. Is there anything your holiness desires?"
"Well, yes," the priest replied. "I have often pondered some of the mysteries which have puzzled and confounded theologians through the ages. Are there any transcripts which recorded the actual conversations between God and the prophets of old? I would love to see what was actually said, without the dimming of memories over time."
Saint Peter immediately ushered the priest to the heavenly library and explained how to retrieve the various documents. The priest was thrilled and settled down to review the history of man's relationship with God.
Two years later a scream of anguish pierced the stacks of the library.
Immediately, several of the Saints and Angels came running. There they found the Pope pointing to a single parchment, repeating over and over, "there's an 'R', there's an 'R', there's an 'R'..."
"What's the matter, sir?" asked the Saints and Angels.
"There's an 'R'!" exclaimed the priest. "It's celibRate!" ---------------------------------------------------------------------
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 25, 2008 14:07:19 GMT -5
INFREQUENTLY
An elderly couple had been dating for some time. Finally, they decided it was time for marriage. Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on. Finally the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. "How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly. "Well," she says, responding carefully, "I'd have to say I would like it infrequently." The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment. Then, looking over his glasses, he looked her in the eye casually asking, "Was that one word or two?"
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Post by impintraining on Mar 25, 2008 14:15:20 GMT -5
There was an elderly couple that went to Jeruslem for their anniversary. Sadly, the wife died on the trip. When confronted with the remains, a man told the husband, "You have two choices. We can either ship the body home for $5000, or we can bury her right here in the holy land for $150."
The husband considered for a moment or two and then said "Ship her back."
"Are you sure? I mean, $150 to bury her in this holiest of places... you can't beat that."
"Listen, a long time ago," the husband responded, "a man was buried here, and he got up again after three days. I can't take that chance."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 26, 2008 15:53:43 GMT -5
A SERVICE
A priest walked into a barber shop in Washington, D.C. After he got his haircut, he asked how much it would be. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 prayer books and a thank you note from the priest in front of the door. Later that day, a police officer came in and got his hair cut. He then asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the community." The next morning, he came to work and there were a dozen donuts and a thank you note from the police officer. Then, a Senator came in and got a haircut. When he was done he asked how much it was. The barber said, "No charge. I consider it a service to the country." The next morning, the barber came to work and there were 12 Senators in front of the door.
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 28, 2008 7:42:54 GMT -5
REMAIN SILENT
A female officer arrests a drunk. She warns him, "You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be held against you."
The drunk replies, "Boobs." ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 1, 2008 9:54:37 GMT -5
LOBSTER TAIL AND BEER A cowboy is driving down a back road in Texas. A sign in front of a restaurant reads, "Happy Hour Special: Lobster Tail and Beer." "Hot d**n," the cowboy says to himself, "My three favorite things!"
Bonus Joke:
WHEN I GET HOME Two guys were out walking home from work one afternoon. "Man," the first guy said, "as soon as I get home, I'm gonna rip my wife's panties off!" "What's the rush?" his buddy asked. "The d**n elastic in the legs is killing me!"
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 9, 2008 13:38:39 GMT -5
CANNIBALS
Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees." The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. We have noticed a marked increase in the whole company's performance. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads, "No." After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly. "You fool!" the leader continued, "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But no, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something."
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Post by Rick on Apr 30, 2008 10:44:51 GMT -5
SNIFFER A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a DEA agent and that the dog is a "sniffing dog". His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. "I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work." The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the agent says "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land. "Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man. Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, And this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police." I like it!" says his seat mate. The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, he jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to crap all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like that, so he asks the agent "What's going on?" The agent nervously replied "He just found a bomb".
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 11, 2008 16:53:59 GMT -5
Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary
Please join me in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and trauma complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Captain Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.
Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy and lovingly described Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, he still was a crusty old man and was considered a positive roll model for millions.
Doughboy is survived by his wife Play Dough, three children: John Dough, Jane Dough and Dosey Dough, plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 12, 2008 15:31:42 GMT -5
2 for 1
LIBRARY A blonde walks into a library and says, "Can I have a burger and fries?" The librarian says, "I'm sorry, this is a library." So, the blonde whispers, "Can I have a burger and fries?"
ONE OF US A guy walks into a bar in Arkansas and orders a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says, "You ain't from around here, are ya? Where ya from, boy?" The guy says, "I'm from Iowa." The bartender asks, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist." The bartender asks, "A taxidermist? Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy says nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's okay boys, he's one of us!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 13, 2008 16:37:19 GMT -5
MAGIC SHOW During a recent vacation in Las Vegas, a man went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a man from the back of the theater yelled, "How'd you do that?" "I could tell you, sir," the magician answered, "But then I'd have to kill you." After a short pause, the man yelled back, "Ok, then, just tell my wife!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 14, 2008 9:59:39 GMT -5
2 for 1 again:
KITTENS A three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a litter of kittens. On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother, "There were two boy kittens and two girl kittens." "How did you know?" his mother asked. "Daddy picked them up and looked underneath," he replied. "I think it's printed on the bottom."
POINT TO PONDER If you have sex with your clone, are you gay or are you masturbating?
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Post by jhinds1012 on Nov 14, 2008 10:19:02 GMT -5
A man comes into the ER and yells, 'My wife's going to have her baby in the cab!' I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs -- and I was in the wrong one.
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Post by jhinds1012 on Nov 14, 2008 10:20:41 GMT -5
As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, 'I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?' She replied, 'No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener
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Post by jhinds1012 on Nov 15, 2008 10:46:27 GMT -5
Southern Hospitality at Atlanta Airport. You gotta love this one even if you've never lived in the South. Some of you will enjoy this more than others... Southerners can be so polite! Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Saudi Air 511 -- You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R
Saudi Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R - Allah be Praised.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Tower to Iran Air 711 --You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R.' Iran Air: 'Thank you Atlanta ATC. We are cleared to land on i nfidel's runway 9R. - Allah is Great.' Pause...
Saudi Air: ' ATLANTA ATC - ATLANTA ATC'
Atlanta ATC: 'Go ahead Saudi Air 511.'
Saudi Air: 'YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFTS FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS. WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE. INSTRUCTIONS, PLEASE.'
Atlanta ATC: 'Well bless your hearts. And praise Jesus. Y'all be careful now and tell Allah 'Hey' for us -- '
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Post by jhinds1012 on Nov 17, 2008 7:41:24 GMT -5
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact
on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up.
She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.'
The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!'
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 17, 2008 12:59:53 GMT -5
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!' That's funny. I love blonde jokes.
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 17, 2008 13:00:46 GMT -5
My favorite blonde joke:
"Two blondes walk into a building; you figure one of them would have seen it." ;D
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Post by daynjohn on Nov 18, 2008 7:42:17 GMT -5
A rich Beverly Hills lady got very angry at her French maid. After a long list of stinging remarks about her shortcomings as a cook and housekeeper, she dismissed the maid.
The maid, with her Gaelic ancestry, couldn't allow such abuse to go unanswered. "Your husband considers me a better housekeeper and cook than you, Madam. He has told me himself."
The rich woman just swallowed and said nothing.
"And furthermore," the angry girl continued, "I am better in bed than you!"
"And I suppose my husband told you that, too?"
"No, Madam," said he maid. "Not your husband, the mail man!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 18, 2008 11:52:07 GMT -5
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! ;D
I didn't see it coming.
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 18, 2008 11:56:04 GMT -5
HEARING PROBLEMS An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 18, 2008 15:27:27 GMT -5
BLONDE DRIVER”S LICENSE
A blonde woman is driving her sports car along Highway 1 when a police car pulls her over.
The police officer (who is also a blonde woman) comes up to the driver’s window and asks, “May I see your driver’s license?”
The blonde driver asks, “Driver’s license?”
“Yes your driver’s license, it’s a little rectangular card with your picture on it,” the cops says starting to get angry.
“Umm, I guess it’s in my purse here somewhere,” she says as she dumps her purse all over the passenger seat. “You say it’s a little card with my picture on it?”
“Yesss, it is a little card with your picture on it. Don’t you know what a license is? What kind of dumb bl…”
“Oh here it is,” says the driver as she picks up a compact mirror (seeing her face in it) and hands it to the police woman.
The cop stares at it for a few seconds, scrunches up her face and then hands the mirror back to the driver and says, “You’re free to go, why didn’t you tell me you were a cop.”
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 24, 2008 16:38:17 GMT -5
SCREENING A lady and her husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre-screening process, a volunteer was asking them some questions. "Have you ever paid for sex?" the volunteer asked the husband sweetly. Glancing wearily over at his wife who was trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed and said, "Yes, every time."
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 26, 2008 10:12:05 GMT -5
MIRACLE One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy.
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Post by spriskeptic on Dec 10, 2008 10:08:46 GMT -5
2 Quickies:
PINOCCHIO Q: How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood? A: His hand caught fire.
SINGLES BARS Q: How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? A: At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
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Post by spriskeptic on Dec 15, 2008 13:46:49 GMT -5
WOOF A dog walked into a telegram office, took out a blank form and wrote, "Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof." The clerk examined the paper and politely told the dog, "There are only nine words here. You could send another 'Woof' for the same price." "But," the dog replied, "that would make no sense at all."
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