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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 19, 2010 14:54:44 GMT -5
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper,
"Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked,
"Is your Daddy home?
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered,
"No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mummy there?"
"Yes," came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No."
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
"Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"
"A hello copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello copper."
Alarmed, concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle,
"Me."
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 22, 2010 15:01:27 GMT -5
The Captain rounded all his men to check on their intellectual faculties. Taking a small handkerchief from his pocket he says.
"Smith, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??"
"Oh sir, it makes me think of the train station!”
” Well Smith ... why does it make you think of the train station?”
Because Sir ... on Sundays in the afternoon we often would go down to the train station, and when the train left the station people would wave their handkerchiefs like you do Sir.”
“Very good Smith. Let's see you, Thomas, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??”
“Oh well, sir... It makes me think about the port.”
” Why does it make you think about the port??”
Sir, because when I go to the port the passengers on the outgoing ships wave at their relatives and friends that way.”
“That's very good Thomas, let's see you Moyer, when I wave my handkerchief what does it make you think about??”
“Sir. It makes me think about having sex!”
”Oh, I see, well why does it make you think about having sex??
“Because sir, the only thing I ever think about is having sex, sir!”
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 28, 2010 7:41:11 GMT -5
young man named Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager. Upon completion of the test both men had only missed one of the questions. The manager went to Murphy and said,
"Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
"And why would you be doing that? asked Murphy. "We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
"We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"
"Simple," replied the manager. "On question # 5, the American put down, 'I don't know.' You put down 'Neither do I.'"
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Post by spriskeptic on May 5, 2010 7:03:47 GMT -5
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you up. But remember - only one moose, please."
When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!"
"Aw, you're just a chicken s*** pilot," one of the hunters said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off."
Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try."
They loaded up the plane and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees.
Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.
His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
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Post by spriskeptic on May 7, 2010 8:18:48 GMT -5
Three Hells Angels are sitting at a table in a transport cafe when in walks a nun, takes a seat next to them and begins to eat. Astonished, one of them says,
"I went to my parents wedding last week and we all got wasted."
The nun continues to eat even though she obviously heard the exchange. Being quick on the uptake the second one says,
"My dad says he will marry my mother next year."
Despite this the nun stays right where she is. Eager to get a response from the nun, the third one says,
"My old man will never EVER marry my mother!"
The nun then looks up from her food and says,
"Would one of you prick bastards please pass the salt?"
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Post by spriskeptic on May 19, 2010 9:49:26 GMT -5
Sally (a blonde) was seen going into the woods with a small package and a large birdcage. She was gone several days but finally she returned. Her friend, Liz, never saw Sally looking so sad.
"Heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days. Glad you got back okay...but you look so sad. Why??"
"Cause I just can't get a man."
"Well, you sure won't find one in the middle of the woods."
"Don't be so silly. I know that. But I went in the woods cause I needed something there that would get me a man. But I couldn't find it."
"I don't understand what you're talking about, Sally."
"Well, I went there to catch a couple of owls. I took some dead mice and a bird cage."
"So, how's that going help you get a man?"
"Well, I heard the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters."
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Post by spriskeptic on May 28, 2010 8:03:37 GMT -5
Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside , San Diego , California . One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing. The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, its home base location. Back at the California Highway Patrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the US Marine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.
The reply came back in true USMC style:
'Thank you for your letter. You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location. Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defense system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position. The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech. Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'
Semper Fi
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Post by spriskeptic on Jun 8, 2010 7:23:40 GMT -5
The Down Side of Cubicles
* Being told to "Think outside the box"' when I'm in the dang box all day?
* Not being able to check E-mail attachments without first seeing who is behind me.
* Fabric cubicle walls do not offer much protection from any kind of gunfire.
* That nagging feeling that if I press the right button, I will get a piece of cheese.
* My walls are too close together for my hammock to work right.
* Women: Darn near impossible to adjust your bra or slip without comment.
* 23 power cords, 1 outlet.
* Prison cells are not only bigger, they have beds.
* When tours come thru, I get lots of peanuts thrown at me.
* Can't slam the door when you quit and walk out.
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Post by spriskeptic on Jun 9, 2010 12:55:25 GMT -5
Three nuns stand at the Pealry Gates of Heaven, and Saint Peter turns to them and explains that they must answer a single question each to enter the Kingdom of Heaven. Sister Lara steps forward.
"Who was the first man on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Adam," the sister replies.
And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open. Sister Evelyn steps forward and says she is ready.
"Who was the first woman on God's Earth?" asks Saint Peter.
"Eve," the sister replies.
And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open. The Mother Superior steps forward and announces that she is ready.
"What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" asks the Saint. The Mother Superior is shocked.
"My goodness," she says, "that's a hard one."
And the lights flash, the bells toll and the gates of Heaven open.
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Post by spriskeptic on Jul 2, 2010 7:20:15 GMT -5
A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of sex was "work" and how much of it was "pleasure?"
A Major chimed in with 75%-25% in favor of work. A Captain said it was 50%-50%. A Lieutenant responded with 25%-75% in favor of pleasure, depending upon his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the Colonel turned to the PFC who was in charge of making the coffee and asked for HIS opinion. Without any hesitation, the young PFC responded,
"Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure."
The Colonel was surprised and as you might guess, asked why?
"Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them."
God Bless the enlisted personnel…
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 22, 2010 13:46:02 GMT -5
While on a flight from New York, the flight attendant was busy passing out peanuts and sodas to everyone. There were about sixteen flights lined up waiting to get clearance to take off. Suddenly, she got a message from the pilot that the tower said the wind had changed 180 degrees and they were first in line to take off, and to have everyone buckle up.
Without thinking she announced,
"Please buckle up, grab your drinks and hold your nuts, we're taking off".
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 25, 2010 7:30:29 GMT -5
Two Tennessee rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says,
"Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says,
“I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says,
"There's this old automobile transmission here, give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see".
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two, and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation jump in head first!
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there," says the farmer, "you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says,
“Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunnert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said,
"That's impossible. I had him chained to a transmission!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 26, 2010 7:19:56 GMT -5
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me' said one boy.. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me..'
He just knew what it was.. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
'Come here quick,' said the Boy, 'you won't believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.'
The man said, 'Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk.' When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard , 'One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.'
The old man whispered, 'Boy, you've been tellin' me the truth. Let's see if we can see the Lord..'
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, 'One for you, one for me. That's all. Now, let's go get those nuts by the fence and we'll be done.'
They say the old man made it back to town a full five minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 5, 2010 7:25:27 GMT -5
Things A Southerner Would Never Say:
1. Oh I just couldn't. Hell, she's only sixteen. 2. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex. 3. Duct tape won't fix that. 4. Lisa Marie was lucky to catch Michael. 5. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken. 6. We don't keep firearms in this house. 7. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer? 8. You can't feed that to the dog. 9. I thought Graceland was tacky. 10. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe. 11. Wrasslin's fake. 12. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace? 13. We're vegetarians. 14. Do you think my gut is too big? 15. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy. 16. Honey, we don't need another dog. 17. Who's Richard Petty? 18. Give me the small bag of pork rinds. 19. Too many deer heads detract from the decor. 20. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 8, 2010 8:11:39 GMT -5
My forgetter's getting better, But my rememberer is broke To you that may seem funny But, to me, that is no joke
For when I'm 'here' I'm wondering If I really should be 'there' And, when I try to think it through, I haven't got a prayer!
Oft times I walk into a room, Say 'what am I here for?' I wrack my brain, but all in vain! A zero is my score.
At times I put something away Where it is safe, but, Gee! The person it is safest from Is, generally, me!
When shopping I may see someone, Say 'Hi' and have a chat, Then, when the person walks away I ask myself, 'who the hell was that?
Yes, my forgetter's getting better While my rememberer is broke, And it's driving me plumb crazy And that isn't any joke.
CAN YOU RELATE??? Please send this to everyone you know because
I DON'T REMEMBER WHO I SENT THIS TO!
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 9, 2010 8:07:38 GMT -5
Eileen and her husband Joe went for counseling after 25 years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, Eileen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Eileen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Joe watched with a raised eyebrow! Eileen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Joe and said,
“This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
Joe thought for a moment and replied,
“Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.”
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 29, 2010 8:45:00 GMT -5
A small grandson got lost at the shopping mall. He approached a uniformed security guard and said,
"I've lost my grandpa!"
The guard asked, "What's his name?"
"Grandpa", he replied.
The guard smiled, then asked, "What's he like?"
The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,
"Miller Lite and women with big knockers."
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 30, 2010 8:13:34 GMT -5
The line at the Department of Motor Vehicles inched along for almost an hour until a man finally got his license. He inspected his photo for a moment and commented to the clerk,
"I was standing in line so long; I ended up looking pretty grouchy in this picture."
The clerk looked at his picture and reassured him,
"It's okay. That's how you're going to look when the cops pull you over, anyway."
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Post by spriskeptic on Dec 9, 2010 8:44:05 GMT -5
Bubba had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 21st birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the bar on the far side for their first legal drink.
So when Bubba's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal, Jim Bob, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat....and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. "Grandma," he asked, "it's my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my pappy, his pappy, and his pappy before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Bubba's troubled eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January and you were born in July, you dumb-ass!"
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