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Post by spriskeptic on Dec 19, 2008 9:34:46 GMT -5
SAYING GOODNIGHT TO MOM.
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird.
My wife goes out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, 'He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.'
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. 'Sorry I took so long,' I said, as we drove away. 'That stupid pregnant dog was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!'
The cab driver hit a parked car.
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Post by Miss Alicia on Dec 21, 2008 10:56:06 GMT -5
I told this one to Tom, Bill, Eric, and Robin last night. Seemed to get a good response.
An Arab, a Mexican, and an American are all having shots in a local bar. The Arab throws his shot glass in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots the shot glass. "We have so much sand to make new shot glasses in my country that we we don't have to drink from the same glass twice." The Mexican then throws his glass in the air, pulls out a gun, and shoots his own glass. "Well, our shot glasses in Mexico are so cheap that we don't have to drink from the same one twice. Then the American, not wanting to feel left out, threw his glass in the air, pulls out a pistol, shot the Arab and the Mexican, catches the shot glass, and asks for a refill, but then saying "In American, we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 13, 2009 10:22:13 GMT -5
The Speeding Pope
After getting all of Pope’s Benedict's luggage loaded into the limo, the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb. "Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver," Woul d you please take your seat so we can leave?" "Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, "they never let me drive, at the Vatican, even when I was a Cardinal, and now that I'm the Pope, I'd really like to drive today." "I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning. "Who's going to tell? Besides, there might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope with a smile. Reluctantly, the driver gets in th e backseat as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 110 MPH(remember, he's German). "Please slow down, Your Holiness!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens."Oh, Dear God, I'm gonna lose my license -- and my job!" moans the driver. The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the Officer approaches, but the Officer takes one look at the person behind the steering wheel, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. "I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher. The Chief gets on the radio and the Officer tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred ten miles per hour. "So bust him," says the Chief. "I don't think we want to do that, he's really big," said the Officer. The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!" "No, I mean really important," said the Officer with a bit of persistence. The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?" Officer: "Bigger." Chief: "The Governor?" Officer: "Bigger." Chief: "The President?" Officer: "Bigger." "Well," said th e Chief, "Who is it?" Officer: "I think it's God!" The Chief is stumped, " Have you been drinking, Officer Rizzo?" Officer Rizzo: "No Sir." Chief: "Then what makes you think it's God?" Officer Rizzo: "He's got the Pope as His Chauffeur."
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 19, 2009 8:25:00 GMT -5
A Blonde's Year in Review
January Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.........bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months..... box said '2-4 years!'
April Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!
June Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August Got locked out of my car in a rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it ?
October Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.
November Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!
December Couldn't call 911 . 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid phone!!!
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 20, 2009 8:25:21 GMT -5
And then the fight started.....
My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,
"Do you want to have sex?"
"No," she answered.
I then said, "Is that your final answer?"
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend"
And then the fight started....
****
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, "Unbutton your shirt". So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me". And she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten Disability, too".
And then the fight started.....
****
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 10 years replied, "Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started ....
****
My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken20lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, "Do you know her?"
"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" says my wife, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started.....
****
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one of the dwarfs are you?"
And then the fight started.....
****
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah, she can order for herself."
And then the fight started.....
****
A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."
The husband replies, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started
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Post by daynjohn on Jan 20, 2009 20:45:13 GMT -5
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 22, 2009 16:38:58 GMT -5
Cursing at work
Dear Employees:
It has been brought to management's attention that some individual s throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative 'TRY SAYING' phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
Number 1 TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training. INSTEAD OF: You don't know what the f___ you're doing.
Number 2 TRY SAYING: She's an aggressive go-getter. INSTEAD OF: She's a f___ing bit__.
Number 3 TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late. INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
Number 4 TRY SAYING: I'm certain that isn't feasible. INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
Number 5 < br> TRY SAYING: Really? INSTEAD OF: You've got to be sh___ing me!
Number 6 TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with... INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__..
Number 7 TRY SAYING: I wasn't involved in the project. INSTEAD OF: It's not my f___ing problem.
Number 8 TRY SAYING: That's interesting. INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
Number 9 TRY SAYING: I'm not sure this can be implemented. INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won't work.
Number 10 TRY SAYING : I'll try to schedule that. INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn't you tell me sooner?
Number 11 TRY SAYING: He's not familiar with the issues. INSTEAD OF: He's got his head up his a__.
Number 12 TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir? INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
Number 13 TRY SAYING: So you weren't happy with it? INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
Number 14 TRY SAYING: I'm a bit overloaded at the moment. INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I'm on20salary.
Number 15 TRY SAYING: I don't think you understand. INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
Number 16 TRY SAYING: I love a challenge. INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
Number 17 TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that? INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
Number 18 TRY SAYING: He's somewhat insensitive. INSTEAD OF: He's a pr_ck.
Thank You, Human Resources
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 23, 2009 10:07:33 GMT -5
A FEW MINUTES BEFORE CHURCH.
A few minutes before church A few minutes before the church services started,
the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the rear entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman
who sat calmly in his pew without moving,
seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound,
horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
' Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied,
'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'
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Post by Michelle on Jan 23, 2009 11:14:46 GMT -5
hahaha these are all good ones!
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 26, 2009 14:55:25 GMT -5
This is why women should not take men shopping against their will.
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
> Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, my wife is like most women - she loved to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Samsel, Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Samsel are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 .July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away.'
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. August23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?
9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'And last, but not least ..
15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!'
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 27, 2009 15:10:40 GMT -5
Selling to Seniors
Two businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, 'I bet any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we're selling.'
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious senior walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling @ss-h0les."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You're doing well. Only two left."
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 28, 2009 8:22:51 GMT -5
It's in the Bible
There once was a priest who had to spend the night in a hotel. Hegot to his room and opened up the Gideon's Bible to page 1, thencalled the front desk and asked the hat check girl to come up tohis room for dinner. After a while he started making passes, she stopped him and remindedhim he was a holy man. "It's OK," he replied, "it's written in the Bible." So after a wild night of sex, the hat check girl asked to see wherein the Bible it says it's okay to have wild, passionate sex. The priest picks up the Bible off the dresser opens to the firstpage where someone had written in pencil: "The hat check girlputs out!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 29, 2009 8:39:19 GMT -5
Defective Parrot
A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs.
The guy says aloud, "Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot?"The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."
"Holy cr*p," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"
"I got every word," says the parrot. "I happen to be a highlyintelligent thoroughly educated bird."
"Oh yeah?" the guy asks, "Then answer this -- how do you hang ontoyour perch without any feet?"
"Well," the parrot says, "this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook.You can't see it because of my feathers."
"Wow!" says the guy. "You really can understand and speak English,can't you?"
"Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse withreasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology.You really ought to buy me. I'd be a great companion."
The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. "Sorry, but I just can'tafford that."
"Pssssssst," says the parrot, "I'm defective, so the truth is,nobody wants me cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20; just make the guy an offer!"
The guy offers $20 and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot goes, "Psssssssssssst," and motions him over with one wing.
"I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the UPS man."
"What are you talking about?"
"When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie."
"WHAT???" the guy asks incredulously. "THEN what happened?"
"Well, then the UPS man came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over," reported the parrot.
"NO!" he exclaims. "And she let him?"
"Oh, yeah. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over....."
Then the frantic guy demands, "THEN WHAT HAPPENED?"
"d**ned if I know. I fell off my perch!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Jan 30, 2009 9:07:08 GMT -5
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; The next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; This morning I stopped reading.
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 5, 2009 8:13:17 GMT -5
To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity
1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down. 2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice! 3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that. 4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso. 5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write "For Marijuana". 6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get. 7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face. 8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'. 9. Sing Along At The Opera. 10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache. 11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!' 12.. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!' 13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.' 14. PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.
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Post by daynjohn on Feb 5, 2009 20:25:42 GMT -5
A woman in her 80's had just married for the 4th time. She was being interviewed by a local TV reporter because of her recent marriage. The reporter asked her what her husbands occupations were. The woman replied, "I married a banker in my 20's. Then I married a circus ringmaster in my 40's and a preacher in my 60's. Now, I married a funeral director in my 80's." "Wow! Why did you marry men with such different occupations?!" the reporter asked. The woman thought hard for a long moment then smiled. "Well, I married one for the money, 2 for the show, 3 to get ready and 4 to go!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 6, 2009 9:19:27 GMT -5
BWahahahahahahaaaaaaaa
I did not see that coming!
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Post by Michelle on Feb 6, 2009 21:55:05 GMT -5
lol
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 5, 2010 11:58:16 GMT -5
A fellow drank with friends until they closed the bar. He staggered home about 2 o'clock and was met at the door by his wife. She was madder than heck and wanted to know where he had been all night....
He said, "I have been bird watching!"
She said, "What kind of bird is out at this time of night for you to watch??"
He said, "A double-breasted, red-headed, mattress thrasher!"
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Post by Michelle on Feb 5, 2010 12:46:24 GMT -5
haha, good one!
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 8, 2010 8:31:38 GMT -5
A couple goes for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and orders the 'Chicken Surprise'. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down.
“Good grief, did you see that?” she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down. Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
“Please sir,” says the waiter, “what you order?”
The husband replies, “Chicken Surprise.”
“Ah! So sorry,” says the waiter, “I bring you Peeking Duck!”
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Post by Michelle on Feb 8, 2010 19:09:42 GMT -5
lol
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 9, 2010 16:47:04 GMT -5
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning :
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset----I shall be home before midnight. When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table:
My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
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Post by Dawn on Feb 10, 2010 11:27:20 GMT -5
That was great Tom!!! ;D
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Post by Michelle on Feb 10, 2010 14:52:17 GMT -5
HAHAHAHA I loved that one Tom. Thanks for the laughs.
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 11, 2010 19:15:57 GMT -5
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 11, 2010 19:17:09 GMT -5
Chris and Frank were having a beer at the neighborhood bar.
"What's the matter?" asked Chris of his buddy. "You look kind of down."
"My girlfriend just told me that my lovemaking is just like a news bulletin."
"Why's that?"
"Because it's brief, unexpected and usually a disaster."
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 12, 2010 10:51:40 GMT -5
A Montana cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?' No', he replies, 'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.' The intrigued woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?' The cowboy explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.' The lady says, 'What's it telling you now?' 'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.' The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!'.....
The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says,........'d**n thing's an hour fast!'
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Post by Michelle on Feb 12, 2010 18:20:31 GMT -5
LOL
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 15, 2010 8:25:37 GMT -5
The lesbians next door asked me what I would like for my birthday.
I was quite surprised when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."
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