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Post by Robin on Sept 25, 2008 13:22:08 GMT -5
40 Things you'd Love to Say Out Loud at Work... 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of nuts. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a d**n word you're saying. 10. Ahhhh. I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again .. 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a d**n. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over y our mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connections between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be? 24. Do I look like a freakin people person to you? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & I still have most of it left.. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. Oh I get it - like humor, but different. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you really marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is finally done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary... 39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 40. Wait a minute --- I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
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Post by froglover on Sept 26, 2008 18:19:34 GMT -5
Those are great!!!! Thanks for the laugh!!!
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Post by wrath186 on Sept 29, 2008 8:31:27 GMT -5
Robin, don't you work from home?
Who are you telling those things to?
It's bob isn't it...
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Post by wrath186 on Sept 29, 2008 8:33:17 GMT -5
Something I'd like to say at work:
"Yeah, well take your flu and shove it up your f@*king a$$!!
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 7, 2008 13:36:34 GMT -5
Another thing to say at work...
"I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was going to blame you."
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 7, 2008 14:03:44 GMT -5
I'd like to say this:
"I understand that you aren't interested in saving money, but I know for a fact that there are people above you that are and once they've figured out that you haven't been doing your job,I'll be more than happy to call back and speak with your replacement. Hopefully that person will be a little wiser than you.
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 14, 2008 10:31:28 GMT -5
Here's one I wanted to say today:
"I'm sorry that you are too stupid to understand this, but your ignorance doesn't change my answer."
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 15, 2008 12:03:33 GMT -5
Something that I've always wanted to ask my Southern customers:
"Were your parents brother and sister?"
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Post by Michelle on Oct 15, 2008 13:31:36 GMT -5
Something that I've always wanted to ask my Southern customers: "Were your parents brother and sister?" LOL, I was actually married to a southerner and I lived down in NC for a short time and sometimes I would ponder that same question myself. The only thing that sucks is sometimes I'll be talking and I start talking with a southern accent.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 15, 2008 15:53:34 GMT -5
What part of the south is he from? I like NC and SC, but GA, AL, MS and LA all suck! They're mean and ignorant. I hope they fall into the gulf leaving the remaing states with beach front.
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Post by daynjohn on Oct 15, 2008 18:50:21 GMT -5
Here's one:
"It's only a great idea to you because YOU thought of it! The rest of us think it's SH*T"
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Post by Michelle on Oct 15, 2008 19:16:15 GMT -5
What part of the south is he from? I like NC and SC, but GA, AL, MS and LA all suck! They're mean and ignorant. I hope they fall into the gulf leaving the remaing states with beach front. He's from NC and he was a total jerk. lol I liked mostly everyone in the state except for one of his woman friends and his mother. But seriously, I think he was a little too close to his mother. lol I'm glad I divorced him.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 16, 2008 7:50:20 GMT -5
I like NC. Most of the people I spoke with have been very nice to me. GA people are the biggest snobs that I've ever dealt with. MS and AL people have a feud on who is the poorest state. MS and LA, before Katrina, can't believe they lost the war. I'm like WTF!! which war? The Civil War!? You've got to be kidding me, right. It's bizarre.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 16, 2008 7:57:16 GMT -5
Thing's I've actually said at work:
Customer: "We don't need any vaccines since the office done burnt up."
Me: "Your office was on fire?"
Customer: "Yeah, it done burnt up, so we don't need any."
Me: "So what are you doing? Standing there in the middle of the rubble taking phone calls?"
Customer then asked to speak with a manager.
Here's another one.
Customer: "Yes the office is closed because of the holiday."
Me: "The holiday? I'm sorry I wasn't aware of a holiday this week."
Customer: "Mmm, hmm. It's Jefferson Davis Day."
Me: (confused and looking on the calendar for Jefferson Davis Day) At this point I thought that she was f*cking with me so I responded: "Really!?"
Customer: "I will have you know that Jefferson Davis is an American folk hero."
Me: Still thinking that she is f*cking with me. "Really!?!?"
Customer: "Yes!!"
Customer then asks to speak with a manager.
BTW Jefferson Davis day is June 3rd for anyone who cares.
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Post by Michelle on Oct 16, 2008 19:38:41 GMT -5
I like NC. Most of the people I spoke with have been very nice to me. GA people are the biggest snobs that I've ever dealt with. MS and AL people have a feud on who is the poorest state. MS and LA, before Katrina, can't believe they lost the war. I'm like WTF!! which war? The Civil War!? You've got to be kidding me, right. It's bizarre. Hahaha Some people in NC are like that too! They are still upset about losing the Civil War! My ex would complain to me about it all the time and tried to fly a Confederate flag. He actually pinned it to my wall. He called me a Yankee all the time. A lot of people in the south are stuck on the Civil War among other things.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 17, 2008 7:30:59 GMT -5
Those are actual conversations. I went back to the accounts to look them up. When a manager gets involved we need to document everything that happened with the customer, in case it becomes an issue somewhere down the line.
Personally I think think that they should get over the war. They lost, suck it up and deal.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 17, 2008 9:58:14 GMT -5
Customer: I can't talk right now I'm in the middle of a surgery.
Me: Really, you're in the middle of a surgery and picked up the phone to talk to me. What the f*ck is your f*cking problem! Are you out of your cotton pickin, mother f*cking mind! If you were my doctor and stopped my surgery to pick up the phone I would put a scalpel in your face, ass*hole!!
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Post by Miss Alicia on Oct 17, 2008 12:24:02 GMT -5
Actual conversation:
Caller: I'd like to order a lift chair. Me: Ok...which one would you like? Caller: The one that lifts. Me: Good call. We have a lot of those. Any certain kind in mind? Caller: Hold on...Let me ask.
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Post by spriskeptic on Oct 17, 2008 12:33:24 GMT -5
"Thank you for your urgent request, I was really just sitting here pondering the universe waiting for you to call and give me something to do. My boss couldn't possible want me to do any other work with you around as a potential customer. He just sits in his office smiling away as he pays me to sit here and wait for your emergency. SO SURE I'LL GET RIGHT ON THAT ON THIS FRIDAY AFTERNOON AND I'LL GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU. WHY DON'T YOU HOLD YOUR BREATH AND WAIT FOR MY CALL!
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Post by Michelle on Oct 17, 2008 16:59:14 GMT -5
Those are actual conversations. I went back to the accounts to look them up. When a manager gets involved we need to document everything that happened with the customer, in case it becomes an issue somewhere down the line. Personally I think think that they should get over the war. They lost, suck it up and deal. I agree, they should just deal with it.
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Post by daynjohn on Oct 20, 2008 12:51:23 GMT -5
Today's issue via email:
Them : "You owe us money" Me: "You owe US money and won't get yours until we get ours" Them: "You've owed us this money for 10 months!" Me: "you've owed us this money for 12 months!" Them: "You owe us MORE money than we owe you" Me: "You're still not getting it until we get ours" Them: "We've been emailing EVERYONE at your company for this money!" Me: "I've been emailing 2 particular A** HOLES at your company since MAY! Here's a copy of the emails I've been getting the runaround on! NEENER NEENER BI*CH! PAY ME!"
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 21, 2008 7:19:16 GMT -5
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
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Post by wrath186 on Oct 22, 2008 13:01:06 GMT -5
This just happened.
Me: Hi this is Bill I was calling to see if Becky Smith was there.(not the real last name)
Customer: Who?
Me: Becky Smith
Customer: Becky who?
Me: Smith.
Customer: Which one?
Me: Uh, how many do you have working there?
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Post by daynjohn on Nov 10, 2008 14:29:53 GMT -5
Try this one on for size:
This is a request for credit I just received from Customer SErvice and it is quoted directly from the paper as I'm looking at it right now
Customer did not receive items ordered. Received 2 cartons of XX. Customer order 2 cartons of YY and 3 cartons of ZZ. Five cartons were shipped from warehouse were delivered to store and given to a - "MET CUST MAN" -- according to UPS "Is a man who is a customer". WIL FILE CLAIM WITH UPS.
FYI -- when shipping with UPS make sure you get a signed confirmation. Better yet, go with FedEx. Day
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 10, 2008 16:44:22 GMT -5
No Way!! FedEx Sucks!! UPS has it's problems, but FedEx sucks on ice!!
I'd rather walk a package to CA than have to have it delivered via FedEx.
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Post by Michelle on Nov 10, 2008 17:08:58 GMT -5
Wow, I am beginning to hate UPS. I just bought my nieces American Girl dolls for Christmas. I never heard them come and my mom went out and saw the package soaking wet. They left it by the garage instead of putting it in between the screen door (well glass door) where it would have stayed dry. Last year they delivered my package (halloween costume) to 10 ---- road and I'm number 16 on a totally different road. I called them back and they sounded like they didn't want to deal with it so they were like we can come tomorrow AFTER the route is done and try to find it or YOU can go searching for the house. They told me the house number they left it at. How can they say they delivered it to 16 --- road if they KNOW they delivered it to 10 ---road? I have much better luck with DHL! I love them and I love my mailman! Most of the times I hate my mailmen. haha Fed Ex is ok. But so far DHL hasn't let me down. hahah
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 11, 2008 8:27:26 GMT -5
I have much better luck with DHL! I love them and I love my mailman! Most of the times I hate my mailmen. haha Fed Ex is ok. But so far DHL hasn't let me down. hahah Don't get too used to DHL, my understanding is that they are going belly up.
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Post by spriskeptic on Nov 11, 2008 10:33:42 GMT -5
One more thing that I would like to say at work:
"I hate you."
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 11, 2008 10:43:26 GMT -5
One more thing that I would like to say at work: "I hate you." How about: "If hate were people I'd be China."
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Post by wrath186 on Nov 11, 2008 10:46:59 GMT -5
One more thing that I would like to say at work: "I hate you." I don't know why, but I find this extremely funny. I'm sitting at my desk right now laughing I disagree off. People are looking.
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