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Post by Michelle on Feb 15, 2010 14:16:32 GMT -5
haha
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 16, 2010 11:12:08 GMT -5
"Wanted to get my girlfriend something for Valentine's Day that would take her breath away. She didn't appreciate the pillow." (Scott Roeben)
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 17, 2010 11:52:44 GMT -5
The manager of ladies' dress shop realized it was time to give one her sale clerks a ' pep talk '.
"Jane, your figures are well below any of our other salespeople's. In fact, unless you can improve your sales record soon, I'm afraid you'll have to let you go."
"I'm sorry, Ma'am," said a humbled Jane. "Can you give me any advice on how to do better?"
"Well, there is an old trick I can tell you about. It sounds silly, but it's worked for me in the past. Get hold of a dictionary and go through it until you come to a word that had particular power for you. Memorize it, work it into your sales pitch whenever it seems appropriate, and you'll be amazed at the results."
Sure enough, Jane's sales figures went way up, and at the end of the month, the manager called her in again and congratulated her.
"Did you try my little trick?" she asked.
Jane nodded. "It took me a whole weekend to find the right word, but I did:.... ' Fantastic.' "
"'Fantastic.' What a good word," said the manager encouragingly. "How have you been using it?"
"Well, my first customer on Monday was a woman who told me her little girl had just been accepted at the most exclusive prep school in the city. I said, 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell me how her daughter always got straight A's and was the most popular girl in her class, I said 'Fantastic' and she bought $300 worth of clothing. My next customer said she needed a formal dress for the spring ball at the country club, which she was in charge of. I said 'Fantastic.' She went on to tell she had the best figure of anyone on the committee and her husband makes the most money. I said 'Fantastic' and she not only bought the designer gown, but hundreds of dollars of other merchandise. It's been like that all week: the customers keep boasting, I keep saying 'Fantastic', and they keep buying."
"Excellent work, Jane," complimented her boss. "Just as a point of interest, what did you used to say to customers before you discovered your power word?"
Jane shrugged. "I used to say, 'Who gives a s&@! ?'"
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 18, 2010 9:14:17 GMT -5
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.
Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope.
Please help me?
Sincerely, Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $95, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $5 missing. I think it might have been those thieving bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
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Post by Michelle on Feb 18, 2010 12:48:14 GMT -5
LOL
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 19, 2010 9:36:12 GMT -5
A group of 40 year old buddies discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner.
Finally it is agreed upon that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the waitress's there have low cut blouses and are pretty.
Ten years later, at 50 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food there is very good and the wine selection is good also.
Ten years later at 60 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they can eat there in peace and quiet and the restaurant has a beautiful view of the ocean.
Ten years later, at 70 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the restaurant is wheel chair accessible and they even have an elevator.
Ten years later, at 80 years of age, the group once again discuss and discuss where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they have never been there before.
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Post by Michelle on Feb 19, 2010 17:30:24 GMT -5
hahaha
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 22, 2010 8:39:44 GMT -5
Ole was out enjoying a nice morning of duck hunting when he decided to take a leak. He walked over to a tree and propped up his shotgun. Just then a strong gust of wind blew by. It hit the gun, which fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by the doctor, who said,
"Well Sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you're going to be okay. The damage was local to your groin. There was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all the buckshot. The bad news is that there was some pretty intensive buckshot damage done to your device. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Vell, Ay guess dat isn't too bad," Ole replied. "Iss yewr sister von of dem plastic surgeons?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor. "She's a flute player in the Minneapolis Symphony. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't pee in your face."
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 23, 2010 10:15:51 GMT -5
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order.
He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook,
"This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"
"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."
"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then sthingyed up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"
She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"
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Post by Michelle on Feb 23, 2010 23:00:55 GMT -5
lol
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Post by spriskeptic on Feb 24, 2010 8:50:21 GMT -5
"They say that if you want to get someone's attention, whisper. I say if you want to get someone's attention, eye gouge."
Scott E. Roeben
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 2, 2010 8:36:23 GMT -5
Did you hear about the blonde who:
1) had more on her body than on her mind? 2) was called "Sanka" because she had no active ingredient in the bean? 3) took an hour to cook Minute Rice? 4) got into the taxi, and the driver kept the "Vacant" sign up? 5 ) was an M.D.: Mentally Deficient? 6) had a terrific stairway, but nothing upstairs? 7) thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates? 8) was told she was a silly puss, but insisted that she didn't have a crazy cat? 9) after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls? 10) went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker? 11) brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam? 12) thought Moby dick was a venereal disease? 13) thought that a sanitary belt was a shot from a clean whiskey glass? 14) thought that intercourse was a state highway?
Feel free to add you own...
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 3, 2010 11:22:51 GMT -5
Oldie but a goodie...
A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter, and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills. He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus."
The man certainly isn't going to pass this up, so he asks, "What are the three tests?"
"You gotta pay first," says the bartender, "those are the rules."
So, after thinking it over a while, the man gives the bartender $10 which he stuffs into the jar.
"Okay," says the bartender, "here's what you need to do:
First - You have to drink a whole quart of tequila, in 60 seconds or less, and you can't make a face while doing it."
"Second - There's a pit bull chained in the backwith a bad tooth. You have to remove that tooth with your bare hands."
"Third - There's a 90-year old lady upstairs who's never had sex. You have to take care of that problem."
The man is stunned! "I know I paid my $10 -- but I'm not an idiot! I won't do it! You'd have to be nuts to drink a quart of tequila and then do all those other things!"
"Your call," says the bartender, "but, your money stays where it is."
As time goes on, the man has a few more drinks and finally says, "Where's the d**n tequila?!"
He grabs the bottle with both hands and drinks it as fast as he can. Tears stream down both cheeks -- but he doesn't make a face -- and he drinks it in 58 seconds! Next, he staggers out the back door where he sees the pit bull chained to a pole. Soon, the people inside the bar hear loud growling, screaming, and sounds of a terrible fight -- then nothing but silence!
Just when they think that the man surely must be dead, he staggers back into the bar. His clothes are ripped to shreds and he's bleeding from bites and gashes all over his body. He drunkenly says, "Now..., where's that old woman with the bad tooth?"
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 5, 2010 13:48:46 GMT -5
got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said,
"I'm going to mop the floor with your face!"
I said, "You'll be sorry."
He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?"
I said, "Well, It's not very absorbent and you won't be able to get into the corners very well."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 8, 2010 10:20:31 GMT -5
Harry did like he always did every evening. He kissed his wife, crawled into bed and went to sleep. All of a sudden, he woke up and saw an elderly man dressed in a robe standing in front of his bed.
"What are you doing in my bedroom? Who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT!?? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die... I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St. Peter, "you can only return as a dog or a hen. You'll have to choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring and that a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad, he thought.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself on a chicken farm and nicely feathered. But now "he" felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster!
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel being a hen?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but I feel like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can" said the rooster.
Harry clucked twice, and pushed with all his might and then 'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow," Harry said "that feels much better!"
So he clucked again and squeezed. And sure enough there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout,
"Harry! Wake up. You're pooping all over the bed!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 9, 2010 14:38:16 GMT -5
Morty visits the veterinarian in Boca Raton and says,
"My dog has a problem."
The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."
"First you should know, he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: "Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something. And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all you care!"
The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"
Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch', not 'Kvetch'."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 10, 2010 16:27:05 GMT -5
A doctor was holding a new baby that he had just delivered. The baby looked up at him and said,
"Are you my father?"
The doctor said, "No, I am the doctor that delivered you."
Then the doctor handed the baby to the nurse. While the nurse was cleaning the baby the baby looked at the nurse and said,
"Are you my father?"
The nurse said, "No, I am just the nurse."
Then the nurse gave the baby to the new father. The baby looked at him and said,
"Are you my father?"
The new father said proudly, "Yes! I am your father."
Then the baby started poking his father in the forehead over and over again and said,
"So how do YOU like it?"
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 11, 2010 8:15:49 GMT -5
It was the eve of their honeymoon, and Clara and George were settled into a cabin in the woods. Clara slipped into a sheer nightgown and crawled into bed, but George seemed to be preparing to sleep on the couch.
"George, darling, what are you doing on the couch? Aren't you going to make love to me?"
"No, dear, not tonight," he replied sadly.
"But why not?" she cried.
"I can't, dear, because it's Lent."
"Oh," sobbed Clara, "that's the most horrible thing I've ever heard! To whom, and for how long?"
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 12, 2010 8:11:30 GMT -5
These great questions and answers are from the days when Hollywood Squares' game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..
Q. Paul, what is a good reason for pounding meat? A. Paul Lynde: Loneliness! (The audience laughed so long and so hard it took up almost 15 minutes of the show!)
Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
Q. If you're going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
Q. True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.
Q. You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 25, 2010 7:28:12 GMT -5
Three guys, more than a little inebriated, are chatting at the bar and one says,
"If you were to give your wife an Indian name, what will it be? I'll start: I'd call my wife 'White Feather' because she is as light as a feather."
The second guy says, "I'd call my wife 'White Cloud' because she is as beautiful as a cloud in the sky."
The third guy says, "I'd call my wife 'Four Horses.'"
"Four Horses?" Wonder the other two guys. "Why?"
Third guy: "Nag. Nag. Nag. Nag."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 26, 2010 8:56:17 GMT -5
After many years, her original wedding band had become worn and thin, so she asked her husband to buy her a new ring as her anniversary present. But this time she asked him to buy her one with diamonds. They went down to the jewelry store to pick one out. As they waited for the clerk, she said to her husband,
"My eyes aren't as good as they used to be, so I'd really like diamonds I can see."
Having overheard their conversation, a lady standing nearby remarked,
"Sir, it would be cheaper if you bought her glasses."
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 29, 2010 7:34:28 GMT -5
10 ADVANTAGES OF GROWING OLD
1. Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
2. Kidnappers ignore you.
3. Sexual harassment charges against you just don't stick.
4. People no longer think you're a hypochondriac.
5. Your secrets are now safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
6. Your eyes won't get much worse.
7. You're no longer expected to run into a burning building.
8. Whatever you buy now won't wear out.
9. In a hostage situation, you're likely to be released first.
10. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 30, 2010 7:17:14 GMT -5
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer,
'This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.'
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks,
‘Which do you want, son?'
The boy takes the quarters and leaves the dollar.
' What did I tell you?' said the barber. ‘That kid never learns!'
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store and says;
' Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?'
The boy licked his cone and replied,
'Because the day I take the dollar, the game's over!
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Post by spriskeptic on Mar 31, 2010 7:29:55 GMT -5
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
The Scots raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line in the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose".
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
And in the southern hemisphere ... New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper airplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!", "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 1, 2010 7:18:28 GMT -5
70,000 blondes meet at Lincoln Financial Field for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says,
"We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde name Lola gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her,
"What is 15 plus 15?"
After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 70,000 blondes start cheering,
"Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 70,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 70,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting,
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says,
"Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream...
"GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 2, 2010 7:17:14 GMT -5
And the Blonde Jokes keep coming...
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented. The first blonde, an American, said
"Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The second blonde, a Brit, said
"Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."
St. Peter said, "Noooooo," and he banished her to Hell. The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,
"So, tell me."
She said,
"Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having the Passover feast with His disciples when He was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder ... "
St. Peter said, "Verrrrrry good."
Then the blonde continued,
"Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."
St. Peter fainted.
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 5, 2010 7:19:58 GMT -5
An angry wife was complaining about her husband spending so much of his free time in the local bar, so one night he took her along with him.
"What'll you have?" he asked.
"Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose," she replied.
So, the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one shot. His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spit it out.
"Yuck, that's TERRIBLE!" she spluttered. "I don't know how you can drink this stuff!"
"Well, there you go," cried the husband. "And you think I'm out enjoying myself every night!"
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 7, 2010 7:34:11 GMT -5
Years ago, the chaplain of the football team at Notre Dame was a beloved old Irish priest. At confession one day, a football player told the priest that he had acted in an unsportsmanlike manner at a recent football game.
"I lost my temper and said some bad words to one of my opponents."
"Ahhh, that's a terrible thing for a Notre Dame lad to be doin'," the priest said. He took a piece of chalk and drew a mark across the sleeve of his coat.
"That's not all, Father. I got mad and punched one of my opponents."
"Saints preserve us!" the priest said, making another chalk mark. "There's more. As I got out of a pileup, I kicked two of the other team's players in the ... in a sensitive area."
"Oh, goodness me!" the priest wailed, making two more chalk marks on his sleeve. "Who in the world were we playin' when you did these awful things?"
"Southern Methodist."
“Ah, well," said the priest, wiping his sleeve, "boys will be boys."
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 9, 2010 9:10:47 GMT -5
7 Degrees of Blonde
FIRST DEGREE
A married couple was asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, hone y, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin ?' The blonde replies, 'Oh , that's easy ... it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pon dered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .'
SEVENTH DEGREE
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, 'I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
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Post by spriskeptic on Apr 13, 2010 7:25:38 GMT -5
A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, biscuits in the biscuit aisle and for fruit, cereal and soft drinks in the other aisles.Meanwhile, Gramps is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice,
"Easy, William, we won't be long... Easy, boy."
Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say,
"It's okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy."
At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Gramps says again in a controlled voice,
“William, William, relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes. Stay cool, William."
Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to! the elderly gentleman,
"It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his granddad."
"Thanks, lady," said the grandfather, "but I'm William...The little bastard's name is MELVIN."
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